


Everything Dark Nothing

by gmw



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Hux, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, hux broadcasts really loudly when in turmoil, there's a lot of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 22:39:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6490123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gmw/pseuds/gmw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo found himself attempting to focus, meditate even.<br/>Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t.<br/>This time, however, it wasn’t his fault.<br/>Someone was dying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Dark Nothing

Ebony darkness encompassed Kylo as he sat alone, layers of heavy outer clothing removed; crossed legs against the metal floor and arms in lap, attempting to find peace. To silence his mind.

Unfortunately, Kylo could not silence the minds of others.

Overwhelming screaming filled his ears, subjected to the relentless gnawing of someone’s thoughts being projected so despairingly it hurt: both of them. They were dying.

  
Hux was dying.

 

Obnoxious reflections of scarlet lights in the glossy midnight floor blurred through Ren’s vision; he traced the vigour in which his feet carried him to the only place he needed to be.

Steady fingers commanded the door, revealing the collapsing presence of the pacing General. Every step mapped on the ground by the cruel trail of crimson cascading from Hux’s trembling wrists. He could barely stand, surrounded by his own blood, yet his feet would not relent.

Plunged into darkness, the door crushed the unwelcomed light intruding into Hux’s quarters. Ren continued forward towards Hux’s form decorated in cyan glow, taking him by the shoulders.

“Stop.”

Hux’s weary eyes travelled from Kylo’s pitying face down to his own hands, streams of vicious blood smudging within the lifeless creases, painting Hux’s grey hue with the only colour of any significance. He froze, only sporadic, convulsive breathing jarred his failing frame. He no longer saw the point in trying to move.

“Hux…” Kylo mumbled, taking the bloodstained sleeves presented to him and rolling them with hesitant hands.

Gashes tore at the pallor canvas of Hux’s wrists, nothing left untouched. Wounds not just made and left. Scratched at skin, pulled, tugged, ravaged further from what once was, by frantic fingertips. Every cut an equal distance apart, equal angle, equal curve. The sickeningly precise nature desolated by the uncontrollable urges to pull, break, tear, ruin.

Kylo dragged cautious hands through the air above the graveyard of Hux’s arms. He reluctantly turned away, desperate to find something to stop the incessant flow from Hux’s body. Bandages, bacta, a washcloth… Anything…

“Don’t.” The command tumbled from Hux’s painfully dry lips, the only movement he allowed since Kylo interfered.

“What?”

“Don’t. Don’t bother.”

Kylo turned back to Hux, defiantly using protruding anger as a façade against the panic in his eyes.

“You’re going to fucking bleed out. What do you mean me to do? Just let you fucking die?”

 There was no reply.

“Hux, no.” Kylo froze, the air in his lungs stopped flowing, the blood in his veins drained. Shedding the uncomforting shock, Ren left Hux, determined to patch his wounds.

Returning into the shadows, Kylo began cleaning Hux’s arms with a warmly damp cloth. The General hadn’t moved, nor portrayed any intention to do so. Outstretched arms, washed from burning burgundy, acquiesced benign movements leaving feather-like touches against the demandingly bitter wounds.

Hux flinched when Kylo began applying pressure, in order to cease the abounding gore **.** Hux couldn’t move, couldn’t force himself to meet Kylo’s eyes but he could feel the apology they drowned in. Black bandages clung to Hux’s frail arms in even layers: as even as Kylo could manage. He occasionally stole glances at The General while performing his meticulous work, only to find Hux absorbed in the same patch of wall. Maybe he was too late.

Maybe Hux had already died.

“Hux.” … “Hux, please.”

Hux glanced down, meeting the forlorn doe eyes searching him. Kylo raised a bloody hand to Hux's hollow cheek, dancing slowly across the lifeless skin. Hux’s eyes followed; he gazed upon the red in his vision, left painted across his cheek.

“Ass…” The corner of Hux’s mouth twitched upwards as he spoke.

Ren chuckled.  
Hux was still here.

“Hux, what’s going on?”

“Don’t pretend you haven’t already looked.” He scoffed.

“I heard, but that does not mean it was coherent.”

Hux sighed. He let moments pass, conversation gradually crumbling from the air.

“Do you need me to spell it out, Ren?” He snarled with as much disdain as he had left, which was hardly adequate in his mind.

“Yes.”

Hux paused. He couldn’t say the words aloud, not to Kylo.

“Palm.”

Kylo outstretched his hand to Hux.  
They didn’t do this often; it was communication for dire situations: when voices fail, but silence is insufficient. Fingertips had written the panic of rescue after Starkiller, the helplessness of sleepless nights plagued with terror, the silent apologies, unspoken ‘I love you’s _. The desire for the end._

Hux let his shaking fingers curl around Ren’s reassuringly warm wrists, beautifully untouched by hatred. A cold finger fell into Kylo’s palm as Hux began spelling, all conscious thought fixated on the perfect form of every letter.

 _L   E   A   V   E_  
_M   E_  
_T   O_  
_D   I   E_

Hux finished to look Kylo in the eyes: his heartbroken, glistening eyes. He saw him attempt to stutter words, but ultimately fail. Hux’s anger fell, he was too exhausted. All he wanted was for Kylo to understand.

“Kylo… Look into my mind. See the chaos, the pain, the fire.” Hux faltered. “Tell me that’s a way to live. Tell me it’s not that bad.” Burning tears threatened Hux’s eyes. “Tell me- Tell me that I’m not worthless for wanting everything to end.” He was pleading.

Abandoning all hope of speech, Kylo simply pulled Hux to him, allowing the head adorned in burning auburn to fall onto his shoulder and the tears to flow. Hux was too drained to sob, yet he was too drained to stop the cascading weakness tumble from his painfully stinging eyes.

Kylo’s hand held the back of Hux’s head as he trod the reaches of his mind.

 

_Burning fires of the deepest black. Anguish. The fatal desire of needing to scream, needing to let vocal chords rip and bleed. The desire to bleed. Desire only met with exhaustion, preventing even a shout into the empty chasms of existence. Disorientating nothing impaling veins. Alone. Alone. Walking alongside. Alone. Suffocating. The essence of life lost with age, only shadowing silhouettes walking through time. No purpose. No point. No point. No point. No poi- Inexplicit screeching demanding an outlet, threatening with cold metal blazes willing to tear a release. Helpless. No outlet. No energy. No solution. No point. No point. End. End. Pain. End the pain. End the dark, the nothing, the insistent everything. End. Dark nothing. Everything. Everything dark nothing. End dark nothing. End everything._

_End everything._

 

Kylo felt Hux’s agony. He felt his insufferable isolation, his insignificance, his destruction. Kylo felt Hux dying.

  
“Talk to me.”

“What?”

“I felt it… but explain it.”

“What’s to ex-“

“Hux, please.”

Hux exhaled a thick, shaking breath, muscles tensing. Stepping back from Kylo, leaving him a broken half, Hux garnered the what little strength he possessed.

“What do you want me to say? That I don’t see the point anymore? That I’m so drained I can’t fucking function?” Hux let out a morbid chuckle. “That I don’t even care to try anymore.”

He bored his gaze deep through Kylo. “No matter what I do Ren, all I am met with is intolerable insignificance, worthlessness. No one cares. Why would they? Why would anyone care about me when even in company my lungs are strangled with crippling loneliness and isolation. I’m just a General, Ren. A tool for a cause. No one views me as a person, let alone one who can break, who’s already broken.” Hux’s voice began to rise as his pace became erratic. “Even when I have you I feel alone, a burden, a liability, I’m fucking sorry. I don’t deserve to live, Kylo. I don’t _want_ to fucking live. Not anymore.” Hux snarled, holding back a sob. “Kylo, I can’t- I can’t do this anymore.”

“Let me fix you.”

Hux stopped in sheer unbelieving. The man who did nothing but leave a trail of derelict destruction wanted to _fix_ him.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not leaving you like this, Hux, let me fix you.”

Hux’s gazed was drawn down towards the bloodstained floor. He didn’t want to be fixed. He just wanted to d-

“Okay.” Hux’s voice was barely a mumble, barely above a breath.

Wiping away the chaotic mess of tears, Kylo left humble kisses against the concerningly chill skin.

“You’re tired.”

“Not significantly.”

Kylo glared, knowingly, at Hux.

“Fine, I’m fucking exhausted.” Hux sighed.

Lacing fingers found themselves against the moistened fabric of Hux’s uniform, calmly unhooking latches and easing layers down. Hux felt useless, not even capable of undressing himself.

“Hux, stop it.”

“What?” He spat.

“You’re not a burden. You’re simply letting someone look after you, love you. I’m doing this out of no obligation, just…” Kylo caught the word in his throat but allowed it to pass. “…care.”

Cursing himself, Hux felt the burning moisture gather against his eyes once more, teasing his waterline. Comforting hands took Hux’s face, smoothing thumbs across the peaks of his cheeks.

“I love you, okay?”

Hux hesitated but pressed a soft kiss on the corner of Kylo’s smile. “Okay.”

Stepping towards the bed, Kylo was mindful of pulling Hux with him, not wishing to irritate his countless wounds. Finding his familiar place on the taut sheets, he pressed a hand against the vacant side, signalling for Hux to join him. Climbing into bed with unsteady limbs, Hux settled close to Kylo. Protective arms formed a barrier from the outside around him as tender circles were drawn into his shoulders.

“Hux?”

“Mhmm?”

“I care about you.”

Hux froze, heart in throat. Meek attempts to respond left only pitiful squeaks. Tears quivered down his face.

_Do you mean that?_

_-Of course._

_It’s… nice to hear. Thank you._  


Kylo pulled Hux tighter, tracing the lines and nebulas scarring his bare skin. “You’re welcome.”

**Author's Note:**

> well, sorry about this. black dog kinda day, y'know? i hope it was still enjoyable. i'd very much appreciate it if you left me a comment or a [message](http://g-m-w.tumblr.com) if you enjoyed this (´▽`)


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